Older people and care - your view

[Mags]

I can understand the worry you are going through Kazz. After my mum died my dad went downhill rapidly. He couldn't look after himself properly and used to get blackouts. I don't drive so I used to catch 2 buses to his house Monday -Saturday.....it took me 1 and a half hours. On the Sunday my hubby used to fetch him to our house for the day. I arranged Meals on Wheels for him as there was no way I would have had time to cook for him. Like you, he was reliant on me for everything....shopping, hospital visits, cleaning etc. But he was my father and I was determined to look after him.....it even got to the stage when I had to bath him and then I knew all his dignity had gone.
To cut a long story short, he got worse and was a danger to himself and a worry to me when I was not with him. I used to dread going over the following day, never knowing what I would find. The day finally arrived when I went there and found him collapsed on the floor.....he was taken to hospital and was in there for 3 months before I was told they could do no more for him and I should look for a Nursing Home as he needed 24 hour care. It broke my heart to have to do it but he needed watching all the time. Like you, I had to put my life on hold as there was no-one else to look after him.......but I suffered for it after. So think very carefully what you are going to do and explore all the avenues to get as much help as you possibly can to help care for your uncle...
Take care.....

[Snoof]

Kazz, this is a difficult decision. I wish I had something useful to add, but unfortunately I have no idea what to say, so I just want to offer you hugs and my hopes that things will come to a resolution

[dinahsmum]

Oh Karen - I think the right answer to this is the one that you will come up with. No idea what it will be - that is such an idividual thing Remember that number one on the 'people for Karen to consider' list, should be Karen.

This is such a difficult societal issue.

Medical science is apparently allowing us to live many more years but also giving us extra years of frailty/ill health; not sure that is such a bargain.

Edited to add:
In general I don't think it's good for older people, who have been used to being in a family/relationship to be alone.
Often, older people are incredibly stubborn/mule-headed about change (bit like children) but actually adapt relatively easily if it becomes necessary.

[Julie84]

Originally Posted by dinahsmum

In general I don't think it's good for older people, who have been used to being in a family/relationship to be alone.
Often, older people are incredibly stubborn/mule-headed about change (bit like children) but actually adapt relatively easily if it becomes necessary.

I think this is a very important point. Change is very scary and it is human nature to try and avoid it, but we do all cope and we do often realise it was for the better and our fears are alleviated. I personally think it is better to make choices, while they are still 'choices' - don't wait until it gets to a position where you feel your hand is forced by circumstances.

I'm so sorry Karen, you're in a really horrible situation. I can't even begin to imagine.

Have you considered warden controlled housing? It would mean your Uncle having to move from his much loved home but he would still be able to remain fairly independent with his own property and the added security (and peace of mind for you) that there was someone on site and on hand 24 hours a day.

[CJK]

I been there done that, kind of thing. At 20 years old iw as in my final 6 months of nurse training, my gran was on her own having had my grandad die 10 years before. She had a stroke, and was poorly. I moved into her small flat to help take care of her. Mostly doing her shopping, and housework. It was a tough call, studying, working and looking after her. But we managed.

When I was 14 my parents took in our great gran after other family members have pulled a fast one on her. They moved her into thier home,gother to pay for a massive extension to their home, spent all her money and dumped her int he most awfull nursing home, where she got covered in bed sores in a matter of a few weeks, and in one month went from walking to being totally bedridden, and never walked again.
My parents were so upset how she was treated they took her in. We had help, district nurses calling everyday etc. But i'll never forget how hard it was on my parents, and again me, i came home fromschool to see to her as much as i could, my aprents came home from work. My dad carried her up and down the stairs etc.

In the end the decision came she had to go into a care home. It was ahrd, but we founbd her a superb one where it was a connection of small one bed flats, all within a complex, with nursing and care staff on duty. So she had her own home but with the care she needed all the time.

It is a ahrd decision, but it is VERY hard to care for somebody full time, even with help.

[Donna]

Difficult decision Kazz. Sorry to hear that you have to sort this out.

I would say (although never been in a situation like this) that I would try to get him into a care home. Whether he wants to or not, he is not always thinking right, so how does he know what is the best for him? He will adapt and you never know, might enjoy being there.

The other option is to buy a place in a retirement village. We have a couple on the market at work at the moment, and all the property owners get a check in the morning, and there is someone on site constantly for emergencies/help. There are communal gardens and a communal lounge for company, but you have your own place if you do not want to socialise. They also have people coming in for visits, like hairdressers, chiropodists etc.

I would try to go down that route, as you cannot do this all by yourself.

[Rosie]

My dad was a fantastic man - he died at the age of 92, did everything for himself and asked no one for anything. He soldiered on and we did not know he was ill until he eventually had to concede and go in hospital where we discovered he had secondary cancer and he died within 6 weeks. He never let on to anyone that he was ill and up until he went into hospital he was walking up to 3 miles a day because he liked cakes from a particular shop!

I only hope I am like him when I get older, he was never moody always had a smile on his face and a cuddle for me went I went round (which was not often enough in retrospect). In some ways it was a blessing because I really am not a caring sharing type of person, especially when it comes to illness. I greatly admire people that can look after the elderly but it would scare me to bits sadly.

[deester]

Kazz its a tough one and like you say with very little help you have now been left with most of the work. Maybe a different approach would be to put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself what you would reasonably expect somebody to do for you. I could imagine you being such a caring and thoughtful person you wouldn't want to put on any one person half as much. Not sure if this will help at all but I think too much is expected of you especially given the distance involved. He may be stubborn but it may be a necesity for him to accept help from others. Wish you the best of luck working something out.

[dinahsmum]

The whole question of aging, living longer, pensions etc etc is absolutely huge, isn't it? If the world (or western civilisation) survives, it must be one of the biggest problems to face western countries. I tend to think it's becoming a little like the issues at the other end of life (test-tube babies, babies with 4 parents (Huh?), abortion at 24 weeks/premature babies surviving at 24 weeks etc etc etc ). Just because science can it doesn't mean science should. What is the point of 'surviving' to 95 if you're not 'living' (you know what I mean) for the last 15? Should 70 year olds have to worry about the well-being of their 90+ parent(s)? Should people who don't have their own children till 35 - 40 have to cope with teenage children and frail or mentally incompetent parents at the same time? Should the state do more? Will taxes cover the cost?

If the grim reaper came to me today and offered me the choice of passing, quietly and peacefully, in my sleep tonight or living another 40 years, with 15 or 20 of them widowed, unable to cope for myself, unable to leave the house unaccompanied, failing sight, failing hearing, failing memory, maybe incontinent, I'd think very hard and might well come down on the side of leaving you all tonight.

Big questions, and we probably shouldn't shy away, but it's not easy, is it?

[Julie84]

Interesting point about older parents struggling to care for teenage children because of their age.

My mum had me when she was very young - when I'm 70, she will be 87 (if we are both still alive of course) so it's unlikely I'd ever be able to care for my parents even if I wanted/needed to.