For Tink

Tink · 10-09-2011, 12:39 AM

i went to the psychiatrist. got sleeping pills for the nights. stopped cutting it was just that once.
have had some disagreements with his family about certain things but i guess we're alright now.
my stomach feels shredded. it is upset and i eat a lot of tums. my intestines are not happy.
lots of people stopping by the house. some helpful, some not.
got a tattoo of Kevin's initials on my shoulder.
have the crappy task of figuring out what to do with this dogs. got his turtle rehomed. his oldest and dearest dog went with his sister. heart wrenching decisions on the other two.
i got his ashes. i talk to them alot.
i wander aimlessly.
i listen to sad songs and watch movies and order books about being a widow.
i go from passive despair to anger and fury to numb and distant.
i have heard horrible screams come out of me from the bottom of my soul.
i have felt bitterness towards happy people or others moving on.
i have been lost.

pamela81 · 10-09-2011, 07:39 AM

awww tink, i really wish there was something i could do to help you at this sad time xx

Kim · 10-09-2011, 08:55 AM

My heart aches for you, Tink. I think this array of emotions is very normal to feel. Bless you. (((hugs))) x

Mags · 10-09-2011, 12:43 PM

Tink, we send you our love and hugs, knowing they won't heal the hurt you are feeling right now but hope they will remind you that we care very much for you.

Let your tears flow freely, they will offer you release of your feelings.

Take care, we are always here for you ..... ((((hugs)))) xxxx

Phoenix · 10-09-2011, 01:16 PM

Aww Tink I wish there was something I could do or say to take the pain away

Shelley123 · 10-09-2011, 02:44 PM

i cannot imagine your pain Tink, i'm glad you have some pills for night time. I wish you had someone staying with you.
I'm glad you have some things you find comfort in, it's a lovely idea to have the tattoo.
Keep talking on here, if you find it helps.

dandysmom · 10-09-2011, 03:22 PM

Yes, do talk if it eases things even a little bit; we are here to listen and we do care, Tink, really. You are strong, you've proved that to yourself in the past and you'll make it thru the worst of this. Many (((hugs)))

Tink · 11-09-2011, 07:11 PM

I am in the process of getting euthanasia for Kevin's highly aggressive dog. I felt guilty and like a murderer but she is just not adoptable and then last night the vet came out to our home to do it and then attacked both of us and in a way it made it easier because she validated for me that this dog is not at fault but we cannot rehome her, she really needs to join her Papa in Heaven. I prayed all day for him to be there to help her cross and it didn't go very well. Today I get to pick up lots of drugs to get her pretty looped before the vet shows up to try again tonight.
I couldn't keep Kevin alive and now I can't even kill his dog. I'm just not very good at any of this without you, babe.
I so badly want peace. I want all the crappy parts to be over with. All the legal/technical things to be out of the way. The bill collector to stop calling for his pound of flesh from his unpaid medical bills. Did you know there's a mailing list you get put on when they die? I'm getting advertisements in the mail for monuments. Isn't that incredibly sad? Vultures are swarming.
And my loved ones they are moving on and they are happy and have love and I am angry and bitter at them that they have what I once had and was ripped away. And I hate myself for feeling that way. But this is what I am now. An angry bitter person. So be it.

dandysmom · 11-09-2011, 08:06 PM

Oh Tink! So sorry about the fiasco last night, but I'm sure from your description that it's the right choice, and obviously the vet must agree.

It's so soon ... of course your emotions are raw but you will get thru this, you're alternating between the depression and anger stages which is perfectly normal. You are a strong woman!!! Just hang in there as best you can, take care of your animals who are dependent on you, and think of your friends who are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers. Words aren't much good, I wish I were there to give you a hug......

alexgirl73 · 11-09-2011, 08:55 PM

ah Tink

I feel for you so much having to make these heartwrenching decisions, but I'm sure K would understand and he'll be waiting there to welcome his dog home.
It's only natural to be bitter and hurt by seeing those around you in relationships, just don't keep it bottled inside hunnie, scream on here, let it out, cry with your furbabies, and eventually the darkness will lift and you'll feel K by your side cheering you on as you rediscover life. Many hugs and much love xxxx

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