can anyone help me please....

[Leesy]

Oh Jo don`t feel sorry for venting that is what we are here for to help you with your pain and the loss of your little boy Tinky who you loved so dearly, it is so hard coping with grief of any sort and you need people to talk too that can understand the pain you are going through.
I only wish that I had known about this sight last year when I lost my beloved Charkie who I still miss so dearly, every day I still think about him and I know I always will, the pain does get better but I can still just suddenly burst into tears when something reminds me of him, I just try to remember all the good times that we had together wich I feel were not long enough as he was only 8 yrs old when he passed away, it should have been a lot longer.
Oh no I have got to go I am now rambling and in tears again myself .
Keep in touch and take care Pauline Xxx.

[yola]

Jo - just keep talking . . . keep telling us about your feelings and about Tinky and eventually the pain will begin to subside and gain some kind of perspective.

I understand the guilt you feel - I left my lovely old Ferdy at the vet for a routine dental only to have the phone me a couple of hours later to advise he didn't recover from surgery My other cat passed away suddenly on his own by the side of the sofa only minutes after me holding him . . . BUT I wasn't with him. We found him already dead - what went through his mind in those last minutes; was he scared; why did he lie by the side of the sofa when he always used to lie on it? These losses continually prey on my mind, I don't think anyone who has lost a pet suddenly can really put the thought away fully.

You are so brave and so dedicated to stand by Tinky Winky like this - but I can understand how you feel you've let him down. Please don't think that - instead you tried to give him hope for a future that sadly he wasn't strong enough to see.

We're here for you Jo - hang on in there!

[dinahsmum]

All your feelings are perfectly natural and normal. All part of the grieving process.
Wait till you get those joint joys of huge relief because the situation has ended, TW isn't in pain or distress any more and you can start to pick up the peices, coupled with BIG GUILT, because you feel that relief. Try to keep your guilt feelings in perspective; you've nothing to feel guilty about. Really
It's good to be able to express your feelings and probably pretty good to be able to express them to a non-judgemental, supportive, messageboard community.
So - just carry on, as long as you like.
It will get better, it really will.

[dandysmom]

Jo. I can't add anything to what's already been said. You did the very best you could, no one could have been more loving and supportive than you, and his time had come before you could possibly get there. Like Yola, I lost my dear Patches and wasn't there when she passed...she was 20 and died in her sleep downstairs in her favorite chair. I have always felt guilty, what if she'd been in pain and cried out and I slept thru it? The support I got here on the Forum was a great help to me, and I've never forgotten it. You're not venting in a bad sense, you're just pouring out your feelings now to a group of understanding and caring people who know what you're going thru. Please do post as often as you want; I believe thoroughly that it helps the inevitable grieving process. (((hugs)))

[dinahsmum]

Just in case it might help, jo, and in case you don't have anything like this in Oz, our Blue Cross animal welfare charity runs a bereavement service. Here's a link to a previous post with more details.

[jan]

Jo, I am so sorry - I am sitting here tears pouring dowm my face - thinking also of all the cats I have loved and lost - it does get better but the sadness comes back at times like this and somehow the only people you want to talk to are also animal lovers as some people just dont understand at all and that hurts so much too. Do take care and everyone is thinking about you Jan x

[pookyandjo]

Hi all,
Its raining here today and is dark and stormy... a bit like my mood... yesterday was hard... my husband and daughter were out for the whole day and didn't get back until nearly midnight.. they had tickets for the international airshow that is on in victoria this week.. and they had been looking forward to it for ages.. so I made them go so i could have the house to myself.. I took George to the vet for his immunisation and checkup..he was a very good boy though he wasn't impressed at getting in the basket to go to the vets... he cried all the way... I wonder what was going through his little mind.... was is something like... "Tinky went in the basket, was gone for a week and then when he came back he didn't move... and now he's gone again"..or am i just giving him too much credit for cognisant thought...
The girls at the vets made a fuss of him and said he was very well behaved.. even when they took blood.. he just sat there.. but when it came time for him to get back into the basket to go... he just sat there... refused to move... and when i picked him up... he went all floppy and was very uncoperative.. and then he cried all the way home.. just for the record... so did i...
I decided that i needed something to do... my baby wasn't the only death in the family on Wednesday morning...my usual practise every morning first thing is to turn on the computer to see what i have going on during the day... and it wouldn't boot up, so i have been using the lap top since then... so i took the CPU down to the computer shop so they can fix it.. (I should get it back Monday afternoon)
I started looking through some pictures...pre digital in albums and the rest of them digital which i keep on a separate portable hardrive as i do all my photos...and i decided that i am going to get some enlargments and copies done of some photos of my baby and get a photo mat cut and have the whole lot framed... I have just the spot in mind on my bedroom wall... right next to my bedside table which is exactly where he will sit when he comes home..I have chosen a nice dark timber box for his ashes with a place for a photo on the top of the lid... i have also ordered a special silver plated keychain that has a thimble shaped locket on it big enough to hold a little of his ashes..
funny thing that occured to me yesterday whilst i was looking at pictures was that i remembered there were some shots on the camera that i hadn't put onto the hard drive..It occured to me also that in the weeks prior to him going into hospital.. our interaction had been so intense...like i said in my previous post... before his first surgery.. he had stopped sleeping on the bed with me.. and had become fearful of noises or strangers in the house...within a couple of days of the first surgery he was getting back to him oldself... and it was almost like he was making up for everything that he missed out on in those few weeks prior... for some reason... dont ask me... because i dont know the answer...i started taking photos of him...lots of them..(there were 184 on my camera that hadn't downloaded) and not just photos of him as a whole.. pictures of his feet... pictures of the back of his head... close up pictures of his face... where i could see where his whiskers exited his cheeks...its funny cause he loved having his picture taken... he would sit up proudly and pose.. he had such a handsome face...he didn't mind when i stuck the camera right in close and snapped away..he always took it in his stride... when i finish writing this i am going to try and work out how post pictures on here..
The other thing i did yesterday, well last night.. was to go to the vet again and organise to see my vet so i could ask some questions about all of this... there are some things that i need to get set straight in my head so i can move on.. so on Monday afternoon at 2 pm i am off to the vet...and hopefully that will be the last time i need to there until this time next year when George will be due for his immunisations again..
When my husband and daughter got home last night.. Daughter (Cait) went to bed and Hubby (David) and i sat looking at some film of Tinky when he was younger.. funny we were ALL younger... our daughter was 10.. it really hit home just how long he had been with us... its very easy to say "We had him for 10 years" but people have grown.. our house has changed a lot through renovation, we had got older all in that time.. and he was a constant through that... he was the baby that we couldn't have after i had been diagnosed and treated for cancer (Cait is an only child).. We both had a cry.. we talked about how some people had ridiculed us for spending money on his treatment... after all "he's only a cat" is something that i have heard only too often in the last 8 weeks..I suspect if some people knew how much we have actually spent they would try and have us committed!..but im rambling here... the main reason for this post was to let you all know that i am trying to desperately to do something positive...my house feels so empty..even with George here... I suppose that's because Georges's special person is Cait...I have no one following me from room to room...and whilst the first night was revolting.. the last two nights have got a tiny bit better.. but i have still woken each morning and within the first couple of seconds the realisation hits me that it is all very real... and all very raw still
The other thing that happened yesterday was the i got the pathology report from his final surgery... the margins where clear.. there was another small tumour in his right hind leg behind his knee which was like a little time bomb waiting to go off...(haemangiosarcoma (cancer of the blood vessels) tumours are usually not noticed until the rupture) so the surgeon was right in his assement that his best chance of survival was the amputation..of course none of this makes any difference now
Thank you all again for your thoughts prayers and concern...IT DOES feel good not to have to justify my actions on here...As Jan said in the post above...it does hurt when people dont understand.. he may have been "just a cat" but he was our "just a cat" and we couldn't have loved him anymore if he was a real baby

Jo

[pookyandjo]

this is a test to see if i followed the instructions on posting a photo... hopefully you will see a picture of Tinky ...its not a recent picture probably taken around 3 years ago..

[pookyandjo]

great it worked... ill post some more

this was taken in 2005.. its the picture i have of him on my desktop

this one is him drinking from the tap in our ensuite bathroom... every morning... he would sit there waiting for my to get up and turn on the tap for him... he would sit there patiently formaybe 1/2 an hour... and if i didn't get up to turn on the tap for him... he would start knocking things into the sink.. starting with the plug.. then the liquid soap dispenser...then anything else that he could pick up and drop into the sink... my toothbrush was a favorite item... he was very good at fetching things.. and would often carry things from room to room.. this pic was taken in his last week before he went into hospital for his amputation

this one was taken at the same time as the last one... no explanation needed

i wasn't trying to be creative with his one... it just worked out this way... he is laying on the desk return which has a glass top... hence the reflection... one of his favorite places to be when i was on the computer... when he had had enough of sitting up there with me... he would decide that it was time for me to stop being on the computer and move over and sit in front of the screen so i couldn't see what i was doing

finally this one is him when we brought him home from the shelter as a kitten..sorry for the quality but it's pre digital... and only a small photo.. check out the size of his ears.. he was about 8 weeks when this was taken

[dinahsmum]

Oh jo - isn't he beautiful?
Thanks for posting