Vent

[Tink]

It really sucks when you are more mature than your mother.
Honestly I've been coddling her for so long and I have made some much needed boundaries in the last few years (my therapist is proud of me! LOL!) but she still tries to suck me in and I have to actively combat the toxicity of the relationship.
She's always crossed the line and treated me more like her "friend" or her favorite "sister". Inappropriate like wanting to know the details of my sex life when I was in high school.
Yeah. Like creepy weird inappropriate no boundaries. She thinks it's "hip" to have such an open relationship. My friends all loved her but I hated it. I was always told what a "cool" mom I have but they couldn't imagine.
The last few years the one boundary she keeps trying to cross is getting me in the middle of her and my dad's drama. Honestly, me and my dad only really resolved our relationship the last few years and I don't want to lose that. And I know it's not appropriate for her to vent to me about EVERYTHING (things a daughter shouldn't know or doesn't need to hear about) and I shouldn't be expected to pick sides.
Thing is, my mom's not all that mentally stable either. Put it this way..Once I wanted a few weeks off from her telephone calls and she got so frustrated she overdosed on her medication and it was "my fault". I carried that guilt around for years, she almost didn't make it back from that suicide attempt. Oh, that's not the only one either
Last argument they had she left him and I visited him for the holidays because I couldn't bear the thought of him being alone and she acted like I was a traitor and went into a downward spiral and ended up in an institution.
So today I wrote her this response to another one of her crazy messages:

"Well, all I can say is don't do anything rash. It might get resolved if you give him some time to realize that was a silly thing to say. I'm not taking sides, maybe just take a step back and let it stew for awhile before jumping to dramatics. It is Christmas, after all. Maybe focus on some other things and just let everyone cool down a bit?
I love you both so much. I just can't handle the drama though.
So just know I love you both, maybe take my advice and cool down a bit, and I guess just let me know what happens from there..I love you both and couldn't possibly pick a side even if I wanted to. Sorry I can't be of more help, I just don't feel right saying much more than that. Hope you don't take it the wrong way, okay?
Love you,
Tink ♥ "

And yes, I'm coddling her. Because I don't wanna be blamed again for another one of her freakouts.
This is nothing new. Trust me, we've made TONS of progress with boundaries but she will do things like this to see what she can get away with.
That's also why I'm posting here where she won't find it. Once, she found my blog and I said something about her Christmas dinner being a tad more formal than I expected and she went off the deep end. So you could only imagine what she'd do if she read this
I love her to death. She means well. And she's a good person. But I am just at a point where I'm finally making some progress mentally and emotionally and I can't let her hold me back anymore.
There's been resentment since I was a kid. Not only did she depend on me to live through vicariously (and mourn the loss of her youth) but she also was always in the hospital for some physical ailment or another. Then when she ran out of physical ailments it became mental. Next thing I knew we were in this weird competition over who was more messed up. I didn't care to enter and I don't care to win. She can have the title. Whatever.
Between you and me? I think she has Munchausen's.
Like when I told her about my rape, a few days later she had concocted a story of "thinking she might have been raped possibly and suppressing the memory". Do you know how enraging that is to have someone mock your experience and "fake it" for attention?
When I had hallucinations, she started having hallucinations and when I asked her what they were like she was obviously making them up on the spot.
Now that I am in a better place in my life, I am supposed to be the caretaker? I try to teach her techniques I learned from therapy. I make our conversations lean toward the positive and she always wants to end on a negative note.
Honestly? No one will get better from whatever ails them if they'd rather be "sick". You can't force anyone to look at life in a positive light if they're not ready to.
It's just that...
When it's your mother, it's incredibly frustrating.
Thank you for listening, I had to get that out.

[Tink]

Well, she apologized. An apology for one instance isn't really owning up to all of it but is a small step towards what I hope to one day be a healthy relationship *big sigh*.
We're by no means "there" yet but it is a glimmer of hope.
Have you heard of the term energy vampire? Well, she is mine. Hands down.

[Tink]

And K is all "Bah Humbug" and focused on all the negatives in his life that he won't look at the positives, not even for a minute. It's all I can do to get him to smile.
Him and my mom are both so darn intent on being miserable.
It's funny how when I was in a bad place they all said they wanted me to be happy. Now that I'm happy? They are incredibly unhappy about it.
I'm tired of trying to cheer those two up.
They wanna be miserable? Fine. Knock yourself out.
Every man for himself because I just can't take it anymore.
Oh, and Dee'ogee had a seizure tonight. A long one at that.
I feel like I kept getting kicked and knocked down and getting up again over and over today. Think I'll just stay down here, I'm tired of fighting so hard.

[yola]

Phew, you are in a bit of a bad place. I would say for your own sanity just step back a bit without breaking off relations with anyone involved. I can also see how such relentless pressure during your youth has lead to such confusion later on in life.

But your Mum's apologized which sounds as if it might have been quite a big step for her. I appreciate it's no admission on her part but at least she's making a gesture.

As for K - stop trying to make him smile! Let him be miserable and you just get on with what you need to do. Hopefully he'll come round when he realises his grumpiness is having no effect on you and you're just carrying on in your own (merry) way.

Small consolation but my OH in a small way has always done the same as your Mum; I've got a headache . . . his is worse; I've cleaned some of the house . . . he's cleaned more. Always has to trump me. It's tiring, annoying and insulting.

Cheer up hun . . . it'll all look a bit brighter after a good sleep.

[angieh]

Oh Tink - I have nothing constructive to offer except ((((HUGS))))

[tilly]

Hi I hope you are OK and have a hug from me.

Keep your head up and don't let them win.

Tilly

[dandysmom]

It amazes me how strong you are considering what you've been thru, Tink. I do hope it helped a little bit venting; I too have nothing really constructive to say, except hang in there, try not to let all that negativism get you down, you've come so far. Big (((hugs)))

[Phoenix]

Hugs coming from me as well and snuggles from Dylan.

[Tink]

Thanks, everyone. I feel better now.
Yola was right. I just needed to sleep it off

[Tink]

Well, that didn't last long. She's on the phone up to her old tricks again