Basic Rules For Cats Who Have a House To Run Part One

[SageCat]

BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!" be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit there and stare.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known is "hampering." Some rules:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner to obscure the maximum amount. Pretend to doze but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. Sit on the paperwork they are working on. Roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. Embroidery and needlepoint make great hammocks.
d) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.
e) Dart out quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
f) When a human is attempting to "make the bed," hop on it and curl up in the center , or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.
g) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper. Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put down for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's playtime. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.

PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed below are several cat games. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

4.1 GAMES:
a) Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.
b) King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are the hill which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable playing field.
WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
c) Tag: This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is It. The other(s) chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the Scrimmage, after which the cat who caught the other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest potential for loss of dignity from manoeuvres such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes It and should be subjected to the Pileup.
d) Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.
4.2 TOYS: Any small item. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means it is a Valuable Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look outraged when the human takes it away. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.
a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so the other cat(s) and humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
b) Dangling and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at, all costs. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is a great source of Hampering.
c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any cat you find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

FOOD: Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed "NOW" and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
b) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.
c) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent - your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.