part of why i haven't been on so much..

[Tink]

something is wrong with me.
i'm vomiting..started a month ago.
there was nausea at first and i had flu symptoms so i dismissed it. now the flu is gone and so is the nausea. i will just be sitting here totally fine and next thing i know i'm vomiting.
i'm not pregnant. i feel fine except fatigued all the time which has always been somewhat normal for me.
i'm eight months into recovery from the bulimia..i've been good to myself..now this happens.
i had bulimia for fifteen years...i heard it can damage some systems and some people will vomit even when they don't intend to.
or maybe it's just some weird acid reflux type thing?
my doctor can't see me for a month. i'm not going to ER...i just won't.
i'm always tired. i vomit once a day or every other day.
what is happening to me?
it's getting to the point i can't dismiss it anymore...and how embarassing if i'm out in public..i almost threw up in the grocery store last week while browsing the aisles...no warning..just feel it coming..ran out to the car. i can't continue like this.
oh well, just wanted to vent to some friendly people.

[dandysmom]

Tink, you're probably going to be annoyed at me for saying this, but you shouldn't wait for a month to be seen!!! That incessant vomiting and tiredness is a sign of something being very wrong...I hate going to the ER myself, but sometimes you have to! Have you discussed this with your OH? He, Kuan Yin and the rest of the family need you well!! You've come a long way overcoming the bulemia but something isn't right....please do think of being seen sooner...I'm only nagging you because I care! End of mini-lecture, (((hugs))) and let us know what's happening...

[Tink]

LOL, it's okay DM...i just have been going to doctors for so long and with my insurance i swear it feels like they always just give me something temporary for the night and say "call your regular doctor"...well my regular doctor is always scheduled out six weeks...so then what? i always get blown off and feel like it's a huge waste of my time...i feel like they think i'm making it up or my case isn't serious enough or i don't deserve to go to the ER...it just makes me feel like crap after.
i always put myself last priority in my household and their actions/attitude just confirms to me i should.
plus, they ask what current meds i'm on and i tell them (a lot of mental illness drugs because i have some irreversible damage from when i was on drugs..if i don't take them, i get flashbacks and i see things) so then i get labeled a loon and they really don't take me seriously after that. i may have problems but i take medications for it and i am a coherent person. i'm not perfect but i know when i'm sick. i feel like i get put in this category and maybe it's just all in my head but i never can find a compassionate doctor that takes my insurance..insurance from the government...
i've actually had an ER doctor tell me "if you were never a drug addict this never would have happened to you" and when i went in for an eating disorder induced issue it was "well, if you didn't do this to yourself, this wouldn't be happening".
I KNOW THAT. i know i messed up. i know i was stupid. i can never forgive myself so i don't need them to tell me that. yes, i know i am lucky to even get your help as i messed up and caused this all...i am just asking, please help me now. i want to be a good person. i do.
people say i look very young like a teenager...i'm not this kid who is partying all the time and being a brat and expecting the world to be given to her. drug addiction wasn't a party. it was absolute hell. and it was absolutely my fault..i own up to that.
i already feel worthless at times...i've gotten so much better since kuan yin but whenever i go to the doc and get treated like this...well, it all comes crashing back to me.

[Grete]

I know just how you feel Tink, and the bottom line is *everyone* makes mistakes and does silly things - it's what you do afterwards that is important and you are doing everything you can to get well.

You need to start forgiving yourself for what you feel you did wrong in the past and have some pride in just how far you have come now.

The attitude the doctors have sometimes is ridiculous and they make it so hard to seek help when you have low self-esteem and don't feel you are worthy of their attention.

You do need to see someone about the vomiting because your body is trying to tell you something isn't right - If you can cope with going to the ER I would and don't let them give you any crap!

Say to them and yourself (and believe it because it's true), that while you might have messed up in the past, you've also fought your way back from it and that shows just how strong you are. Both Bulimia and drug addiction are probably the two worst things to have to deal with and so many people can't do it and you did!

How fantastic are you!

*hugs*

[Mags]

Tink, I can't add a lot more to what Dandysmom and Grete have said above but you have achieved such a lot by overcoming Bulimia and drug addiction that you should feel very proud of yourself and hold your head high. You have already proved that you are a fighter to take on this battle and your efforts are admired.

You must definitely see a doctor about this vomiting, the longer it goes on the worse it will make you feel. Four weeks seems an awful long time to have to wait for an appointment but I would make it anyway...... then if you can build up the courage to go to the ER meanwhile, you can either cancel the docs appointment or keep it to get the opinion of him/her if you are still having the vomiting.

Your friends on here care about you Tink, what's in the past is gone, we want to see you fit and well again and enjoying your life.

Let us know how you get on, you can get through this... ((((hugs))))

[Elaine]

OMG Tink that made me a little weepy. I cannt add to what Eileen, Grete and Mags have already said. You should, in all honesty be very proud of yourself, you have shown great strength to have over come some serious issues. We all make mistakes, its how you deal with them that matters. Being in the UK, I dont understand the whole insurance thing and hospitals but you are as worthy of treatment as the next person. Please get yourself sorted chum, the animals and Catsey need you
Big big hugs xxx

[alexgirl73]

I echo what everyone else has said Tink, and a big ((hug)) from me too xx

[babycakes]

First of all I just want to say congratulations on turning your life around. It is not easy to do and you are on the other side. I cannot believe the medical staff are not giving you credit for that instead of berating you like a child. For goodness sake they are not mistakes, they were experiences that have made you who you are today because you have learnt from them and moved on. Well done to you.

As for the vomiting does it follow a particular food, event, smell etc? Does it happen at the same time? Do you have any other symptoms? nausea, dizziness, light headedness? could it be a reaction to your medication. could it be a hormonal issue? ie the contraception that you are taking? Could it be a psychological reaction? what I mean is because you have been ill do you now just feel ill at the thought of something or eating something which causes you to vomit automatically? Does anything that you take ease it?

You really do need medical advice but if you consider any of the above first then you will be prepared for the line of questioning that you will get from the medical staff. And this will make you more confident in speaking to them. You are not answerable to them about your past and you need to answer back when they bring it up. You could say 'I'm aware of that, however that is no longer an issue, I am here today to speak to you about something new' or 'do you think then that my past is directly related to my current situation?' if they say yes then ask for relevant advice if they say no or they can't be sure then ask them to advise only on what is.
You have come a long way and overcome an awful lot to allow other people make you feel stupid or second rate. And that's the decision you need to make 'I will not allow you to treat me like that'. Think of what advice you would give someone else and use that for yourself X

Good luck Tink, we are always here for you and will back you all the way. Your family need you to be strong

[Tink]

you are all so kind. i haven't vomited yet today so hurrah! maybe it will just go away..i did make an appointment..the thirteenth of feb with the normal doctor..i know i'm just putting it off till then because at least none of this past is new to her and she has been pretty nice to me lately and saying that i am doing wonderfully. it just seems like when it's a doctor who doesn't know me, it doesn't matter that i've been sober almost three years. it doesn't seem long to them but when everyday you have this pain in your heart you are so desperate to go away and you know there's an easy way out but you don't let yourself do it..well, it seems like a LONG time.
not to bring it up again, but after my "assault" (to put it delicately) that is when that ER doc said that to me...i dialed 911 but was too frightened to say what just happened..i was pretty out there in shock. i kept pushing everybody away and crying when they tried to put the needles in and stuff because i didn't want anyone to touch me...i was in such a state i never got out what happened and they just assumed i was "high and being weird". i always remember that and how alone that made me feel. they found drugs in my system that i had not put there myself..those who violated me put them there to make me easier to take advantage of...but the doctors just murmured something about "dope" and rolled their eyes and walked away. i never convicted them because they threatened my family...my mother is physically disabled and my father is in his seventies..i could never forgive myself if they were hurt because of what happened. and i don't forgive myself because i put myself in that situation..i drove there to hang out with them...i decided to buy drugs instead of pay my rent and got evicted and had nowhere else to stay except on the street..it would have never happened if it wasn't for my decisions. very bad decisions.
the vomiting doesn't seem triggered by anything...i feel a bit uncomfortable for a minute and next thing it's happening. if i laugh or cough it will happen.
i appreciate all of you and your positive comments. i'm in therapy trying to make myself able to believe them..
in the meantime i'm going to try to tough it out till february...keep you updated. luv u all.
tink

[Mags]

Tink, how are you feeling now?