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Frustration!!
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from under bed and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse for help.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold the cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into it's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, remove another pill from foil wrap.
8. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered vase and set aside for glueing later.
9. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pen and blow down drinking straw.
10. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto its neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
12. Fetch screwdriver and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
13. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
14. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Put on heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Pry cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
15. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at garden shop to buy new gloves. Call furniture shop to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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