Older people and care - your view

[Kazz]

The thing is though isn't it what do you do? the goverment offer little to no help with older people. Well in my small experience of them. My uncle (My Mom's brother) has been a self suficent man all his adult life, owning and running 3 garages. He and his wife divorced back in the 60's when apparently it was "shameful" and my Nan never got over it apparently (I did not realise) but his ex wife kept their two children and they refused to speak to him - hence he hasn't seen them for over 20 years maybe more. He eventually remarried and then his wife became ill with various ailments and MS he ended up caring for her full time for 6 years until she died.
Therein started the trouble he was less able to get around, and seemed/was depressed his sisters (my two aunts) who lived localy within 5 minutes of him rallied round taking him shopping/bill paying, and taking his washing etc worked fine for a couple of years then my one Aunt May died suddenly start of last year of liver cancer, leaving my other aunt Betty (my Mom lives the other side of B'ham to him) and does not drive neither does my Dad (due to age) but I started taking her over and we spread the "help" between us. Then my Aunt Betty was diagnosed with a cancer - meaning she had to have chemo then a big op no further chemo still undergoing and now its spread to her bones , her daughters did help with my Uncle but one dropped out of going because of his dog (a Yorkie) he does yap and has gone for her and my other cousin just said she wouldn't go any longer as he was shouting at her (no idea why) she is a nice woman also because of their Mom obviously taking their priorities.
Leaving my Mom and myself. Now with my Mom's health problems I sometimes go alone he lives an hour and half from me with no traffic, so thats 3 hours at least travelling at least once a week usually twice or three times, to do his shopping, his cleaning, his gardening, bring his washing back, pay his bills, make sure he has meals sorted, no problems, his doctors, barbers, chiropodists, on a Friday night I drive the hour and half there get him fish and chips, mushy peas from the chippy for his tea. He adores this Friday treat I spend 1/2hour there then drive back home 3 hour round trip for fish and chips .
Now he won't let anyone in, can't walk now without help, and now won't go in the ambulance car to the hospital so I have to arrnage those around my day off.
He also now says someone is listening in to his telephone conversations, and he won;t turn the TV on in case they (whoever they are) can see into the room through the telly. Whereas other days he is fine and dandy within his limits.
But he won't move to a home or sell and buy a bungalow making his own life easier with no stairs he is happy (course he is) muggins here is legging around like a nutter but he is getting confused now calls me Margaret (my Moms name) or Betty. Tells me May hasnt been (course she hasn't she died last year) but tells me Betty brought so and so which is wrong it was me. Also he says Barbara (the other sister) phoned him (she died in 1971)

So what do you do? let him stay where he is for as long as he can and put your own life on semi hold? or put him in a home he would hate?

Karen

[Hreow]

That is a very tough call.... The option you could come to terms with? I had a great-aunt who was dementing. Would sometimes not recognise the place she had lived for the last fifty years and would plead us to stay as she was afraid that the people who lived there would come back and where would she go then. In the end she had to go to a home, as she would leave the gas on when she'd been planning on making a cup of coffee and then forgotten. We couldn't let her blow herself and twlve neighbours up, and we couldn't be with her every single minute of the day and night. Saving lives wasn't any consolation, it was dreadful for all of us.
Not much help to you.... Just know that the solution you find will be the best you could do at the time, and please go as easy on yourself as you can.
<hug>

[EmmaG]

Hmmm a very difficult one Karen, I personally wouldn't put my life on hold, but then again I would do everything possible for him but he does have to help himself at the same time (as long as he has got all of his marbles of course) and if he wants his Independence then their has got to be some compromises on his part?

I also see the other side as my mum runs a care home and it is very nice, very pleasant (she does rule the place with a iron hand though as she doesn't put up with any rubbish from the staff ) and all of the residents are very well looked after. It is a shame there has been a lot of bad press over care homes in the past

[Fran]

Very very difficult situation Kazz. I have had experience of this both on a personal level and professional one too. The biggy factor is his safety. If he is 'safe' to be left on his own and that is his desire then I would do everything in my power to leave him as he is. The main problem comes when and if it becomes unsafe for him to be alone. Very difficult decisions ahead Kazz..and I don't envy you having to make them There is definitely no wrong or right in these situations and each situation like this is is so individual and has to be acted upon on accordingly. Really hope you find a satisfactory outcome to this Kazz {{{Hugs}}}

[Kazz]

When I say on hold I don't literally mean on hold as such, but you do worry how he will get food etc, he forgets to take thing out of the freezer etc etc. And puts freezer thing in the fridge and vice versa.
He forgets he's on the phone and leaves you hanging , rings you then asks you why you've rung?

I always take him out for lunch when we go shopping - usually he sits in Sainsbury's having a meal with my Mom while I do the shopping etc. My uncle Arthur his brother took him last week and Arnie asked for another cup of coffee, U.Arthur stood up to pay and Uncle Arnie said Karen doesn't pay Lord knows how he thinks I got the meals drinks, etc.

[Hreow]

There are some really good homes out there, and some people take to them. Another of my great-aunts possitively blossomed. A few don't. My Nan f.i. wouldn't have, being too steeped in self-sufficiency and not being a burden to others. Luckily she never had to. Your uncle sounds something like that. Maybe the best solution is the compromise Emma suggested? Can you use mild emotional blackmail to get him to move closer at least?

[Fran]

Kazz...does he get any home help? or other help from social services? Perhaps would be worth looking into?

[Kazz]

The house is his safety blanket I know that he was amongst the first (along with his first wife) to move into that grove back in 1940's post war a nice cul de sac he knows everyone and they know him but the majority of his friends have moved away/died and now they are 80% families who are nice but not got time for him - they say hello etc but to them he's the old chap at the end of the grove thats all. And I wouldn't/couldn't expect them to do more.

Anyhow at the moment we are fine, the summer should make it easier (longer days)

[Hreow]

I can see that. You're a strong woman.

[Kazz]

Originally Posted by Fran

Kazz...does he get any home help? or other help from social services? Perhaps would be worth looking into?

Nope he won't let them in back when Ethel his 2nd wife was ill social services and a health worker (I am told) went in and started making a list of the property and its contents - Uncle Arnie is convinced they have this "list" and are watching his bank account etc etc. so won't let anyone in at all. In one respect I like that but he lets people he thinks he knows in

His fridge/freezer broke down last year and Uncle Arthur and I went to get another (exactly the same) so not to confuse him. Arranged for the council to come and collect the old f/f and left it on the front they came to collect in 2 days later and U.Arnie talked the chap into taking it round the back (through the house there is no other way) so the F/F is now in the back garden (he wats to put it in the shed. Lord knows why you can't get in the shed anyhow. But he also had the other two fridge freezers off the bloke. When I asked why/how and what he's playing at - he just smiles and taps his nose. Lord help me now there are 2 fridge freezers and 1 fridge in his back garden.

I just thank God he hasn't got a washing machine

Karen