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An Englishmans first winter in Scotland
The Diary of an Englishman living in the Highlands
OUR FIRST WINTER
Dec20th
It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy white flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and peaceful.
Dec 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day the snow plough came along and accidentally covered our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved; I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight. A couple just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
Dec 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey.
Jan 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both of our cars. Fell on my **** in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken
Jan 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4 x 4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white ****e last night Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That b*****d snowplough came past twice today. Where’s that bl**dy shovel?
Jan 9th
More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f*****g stinking deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
Jan 13th
f*****g b*****d white ****e just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. Those little ******s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I’ll shove that carrot so far up the little pr**ks a**e that it’ll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a***hole who drives that snowplough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*****d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling before he accelerates down the street like Michael f*****g Schumacher and buries the f*****g driveway again
Jan 17th
16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white ****e fell last night. I’m in court in 3 months time for assaulting that clown of a snowplough driver with an ice pick. I can’t move my f*****g toes. Haven’t seen the sun for 5 weeks. Its minus twenty and there’s more f******g snow forecast.
F**k This, I’M MOVING BACK TO LONDON
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