Friends, or entertainment?

[missfluffy]

I am no stranger to the internet, oh no like many people in this modern age, I have my own computer at work and occasionally find myself with too much time on my hands. The urge to click, click, click, in that internet explorer icon is almost as strong as the urge I get to go to the fridge when someone mentions the word chocolate.

But once you’re on the internet what do you do? Browse the news websites? Search for that perfect sweater knitting pattern? Type funny things into Google to see what you get? With all the cool stuff that’s out there on the internet its surprising how little fun stuff is left after the work internet filter has been taken into account. ACCESS DENIED still makes me grind my teeth when it flashes up on my flat screen.

Eventually, if you type enough of what you like into Google you will come across a wonderful thing. A forum full of people, who like the same things as you do! Sometimes you can even find a few people who you have more than one thing in common with, people who make you laugh. I am always shy on a new forum; text will only tell you so much. What appears funny on my screen may not have been intended that way, and although you can quite happily slip under the radar and lurk without getting peoples backs up, offending a forum regular on your first day will more than likely get you noticed. Sussing out the rules of etiquette on a forum I have joined is the same for me as walking into a room of people I have never met before, keep quiet and keep your eyes and ears open, and try not to look stupid.

Forums do seem to change rules from one to the next. For instance I go on one forum which is for the fans of a popular television show. Before you post you must check that no one has already posted saying the same thing as you, you may not start a new threads if one on the subject already exists, you cannot veer of the named topic of the thread, any of this sort of behavior will get you banned. All very good for making forum about a television show, but as for getting to know the people on that site, I know nothing past the usernames. Facts and figures about my favorite show are there with a flick of my fingertip, but friendship and human contact are sadly lacking. Bit its still an entertaing forum non the less!

There are of course forums at the opposite end of the spectrum, where staying on topic is virtually impossible, where threads such as “I’m bored what are you lot doing?” are perfectly acceptable. These are my favorite type of forum, the type where you can go on and moan about your boyfriend, your spots, or whether or not you should try that expensive new tanning treatment. In other words talk utter drivel. I build up friendships with people on sites like these the same as I would if I met them at work, or in the pub. Slowly and carefully (but I am a picecss and we are a bit like that) learning what sort of person is sitting on that computer reading about my life and telling me theirs.

A couple of weeks ago I got some sad news about a friend I had made on the internet, someone who I have never met, or seen a picture of, her mother had died. For the sake of this post let’s call her Sally. I had only known Sally through the internet but when she posted with her sad news my heart went out to her, and I felt her pain just like I would if sally came round my house for tea every week. I sent her a card and put money towards a collection to show her I was thinking of her, because I consider her a friend.

Am I right or wrong?

If I ever found out that Sally was a fake person, just an attention seeker who liked to build up friendships under false pretenses, and then tell a big mean lie to get people to feel sorry for her, I would not just feel angry, I would feel sickened. I would be furious with myself for letting myself be fooled by a sicko, and trusting them enough to tell them things about my life. Maybe that’s just me, I might just be a too trusting person, maybe it would be better if I just saw posts on a forum and did not try to imagine the person sitting at the computer the other end, and stuck to usernames rather than trying to find the person underneath.

So I guess my question is, where is that line drawn for you? Do you see people on the internet talking, or pieces of text on a screen? What do you want from internet forums? Friends? Or entertainment?

There, a bit of a long post, but at least that message at the top of the screen telling me I haven’t posted will go away.........................

[Hreow]

In at the deep end?

I've met people online that have become fast friends. Some I have met in real life, and all but one of those were great friends in rl as well. (One I dearly love online, but have trouble with in person). I've even fallen in love online, and this is the only relationship I've ever been in where I'm not bored or feel unappreciated, even years down the line. (Yes, we're together in rl. )

Online relationships, whether friends or more, can go horribly wrong. You can make an image of the person at the other end that is completely wrong. Either because you need to believe that that person is a certain way, because they are putting on an act, or just the misunderstandings that we get in rl as well, amplified by words having to be carefully chosen to not be ambiguous.
On the other hand - your impression may be spot on. I find the internet a very good way to meet the "real" person, without some of the inhibitions that limit us in person. (If they are adult enough to keep in mind that we're all real persons, acts or not, and to phrase what we say in reasonably respectful words. Rude isn't endearing and hurtful is detrimental.)

My take on the whole thing is that I appreciate being able to air my views to strangers, I don't need your approval for what and who I am, so any response I get is interesting in one way or another, but isn't going to shake my world view. (May and has made me change my mind at times - that's good.) I get a lot of good feeling from posting here and reading the threads. Joy, sympathy, plenty of adorable kittens to dream of. Even if some of you are not what you appear (and even though a few irritate me hugely at times. ) the net worth is a gain. I'd rather be a happy muggins, smug in the belief that I gave rein to my good-person feelings rather than be one of those people who are just in life for what they can selfishly get out of it. Being human, I can imagine what that feels like, and I would much rather allow myself to treat all people as good, friendly people until they prove otherwise. If they prove otherwise - there is always the ignore-function here. Unlike Real Life. And I get a multitude of positive, genuine people to talk to about just about anything.
Maybe I'm just old and odd enough that I can revel in the illusion that everyone is good and kind, even though I know that isn't so.

How's that for a ramble. Bed for me, I think...

[Snoof]

Depends on the situation and the context, much as it does in three-dimensional life. Clients are clients, whether online or in person - I treat them and think of them in a certain way. Friends are always friends. I don't care if they're threedimensional or not - if they're friends, then that's an end to it.

The upshot is that, if they're not clients and they annoy me, I can simply ignore them. Other than that, I don't see much difference. I got burned a time or two meeting people from online, and learned very quickly how to suss if someone's genuine or not from the way they project themselves online - I've not been wrong since, although if someone isn't being genuine I usually store away the information and ignore them for the rest. Both online and off, I find it's rarely worth it to get involved in drama.

[MzTrouble]

*jumps in with both feet* I guess my ideas about this have changed and evolved. It very much depends on the forum of course. I'm members of a couple of professional forums which I use to keep me up to date with issues in education. I dont use them for any more (or less) than that (bit like your TV forums I guess). I really care who the other people are.

However, there are another couple (think we arent allowed to mention names here are we?) which I go on regulary and I have built up true friendships. Occasionally we meet up for drinks and/or a chat, we support each other through rough times, good times, scary times, funny times etc etc and for some of those who I've met (and some I havent) I count them as true friends.. in fact, for some, I tell them more than the friends I have had for years! I think in this case I'd be upset if they didnt feel the same way as I do.

With regards to the internet and how you can tell if someone is telling the truth/being genuine..... I guess u cant! I tend to take things at face value. and, to be honest, liars always show themselves in the end. I think you also have to remember that people do that in real life too.... there are some people who are just like that... you just have to move on and feel sorry for them in my opinion.

So, I guess to answer your origional question (sorry I've rambled for a while!) it depends on the forum, and it depends how much I've got to know the person/people. For me, all forums start off as a form of entertainment, or knowledge building and sometimes, if the forum is welcoming, it turns into a place where friendships are built.

[Rosie]

I live on my own and don't have that many friends and those that I do don't share my interest or joy in cats and dogs. When I come on line to forums such as this I feel I am amongst people with similar interests and who don't judge me as some boring old cat/dog woman. I have a good job and work happily with my colleagues but don't have anything in common with them. I just wish there were clubs near where I live that I could take my dog along to and meet likeminded people.

[missfluffy]

Are you sure that there arent any Rosie? Sometimes they just hide at the back of a local paper, or church notice board. There has to be a group of dog lovers somewhere about

[CathyW]

ive got lots of cyber friends a couple who ive met up with and they are great. and loads of RL friends who i keep in touch with on line (cheaper thans a phone call)
im also a member of a few forums and spend a while just skipping in between sites, catching up with gossip. funnily enough i know more about the ppl i *meet* in cyber land than my neighbours