I decided I would take the time to write this today, as I have no intentions of coming online tomorrow..and I know what I'm going to be like! So this is posted on behalf of the 27th of July, tomorrow, which marks the year since Polly's passing. And I decided to post on here aswell as Dogsey as, I'm sure you will all remember her passing, and I received so much support around the time.
So one year has passed since we had to say goodbye, the hardest choice one has ever had to make. The guilt that it wasn't made sooner comes close to the pain of loosing you. The day you left us, there was just a shadow of the dog you formerly were. Those big eyes were long since dead inside, not even a glimpse of life flickered..you even let a rabbit pass you without giving chase the day before you were let go.
You went with peace, and with dignity..and Clementine was with you, as I know you would have wanted it.
It's strange..a whole year since Polly has left us, yet it seems like five minutes ago. The first few months were unbearable, the other dogs & cats pined for her so much...I thought I'd be loosing Florrie after the old girl went, as she just refused to do anything at all bar lye and whine.
I never imagined a day when Polly wouldn't be at my side, the dog had been through so much before coming to us..and then had gotten me through so very much, and she suffered so many health problems yet was always okay, I just thought she was made of tough stuff and would be able to make it through no matter what.
Reflecting back, I wish I had let her go sooner..as I said above, she was long since dead inside before we finally let her go.
A list of the things I miss and notice, and find strangest:
Not hearing the grunting noise she used to make due to being slightly overweight n having funny lungs.
The little dumpling waddling alongside me when out over the fields whilst the 'babies' raced around like lunatics.
The spot on my lap thats never filled, no matter what pet is sat in it.
That patch next to me on the sofa that lies empty.
The spot in the garden where the rockery used to be, which was where you would always sit and sun yourself up, being empty..well not being there anymore.
Not seeing the little dumpling trundling into the kitchen as soon as the fridge was opened.
Lying in bed at night, and not having that old grey faced nuzzled up to you.
Not seeing those big brown eyes at my feet, to give you the look that no matter what a crap day you'd had..that things would get better.
You don't get companionship like Polly had to offer very often. I'm not just saying this as she was my dog and I loved her, many commented on the in-penetrable bond we shared, how that dog was always a step behind me..if i sat down so did she, if i got up to move so did she, the fact that dog would have gone to the ends of the earth if i went, so long as she was near me. It was the kind of bond you only see in story books. The bond that, no matter how much I love Ralph & Florrie, will never be replaced.
She was the sort of dog that every young boy needs to grow up with, and so I did. "Back In The Day" she would always be out with me and my friends over fields our trapsing around by the river..she was a companion as a dog should be. The most even tempered [despite what the rescue originally said] and loyal family dog you could imagine.
Yet in the end her character was so dramatically tainted by the sheer pain she was suffering.
She was a dog that I honestly do not think will ever be another like. I remember my grandfather used to remark is was as if we had knew each other somewhere before, she had a connection with me. If ever a time i would just think i'd want a cuddle, or need her there..she would be, and she always had an endearing habbit of nuzzling your ankle and doing her little snort that she did at a time when you felt most apprehensive over something.
A dog in a million.
The fact that tomorrow at exactly two oclock [i remember looking at the clock as the vet did his thing], she has been left a whole year.
We didn't bring her body or ashes back, I felt a personal 'thing' that it would only hamper me and be like an albatross around my neck, having a constant reminder that she mortally wasn't here. So we didnt bring home.
-sighs- tomorrow shall be an odd day. I think i will spend the 2 oclock mark at our little bench on the footpath over the fields, where Polly would always like to sit and 'rest up' on those long summer evenings..seems a lifetime away now.
Its ever so strange..but we got Bella, the ginger & white moggy after..but by just a few months..around two, Polly was pts. The old girl brought up every pup, kitten, rabbit kit, guineapig baby etc that set paw through the door. She was just a motherly sort. It was strange when Bella came, not having the old girl..the 'duchess', to have a good nose and cuddle..and sort her right out. There was a longstanding joke that Bella, who had such a familiar fiery and 'im the boss' type of character from the start, had been blessed..or cursed [however you see it] with a bit of Polly's spirit, for the fact as soon as she come through the door..she went into the little basket at the end of my bed which was Polly's 'day bed' towards the end of her days for when she wasnt too good, and couldnt climb up onto the bed. It was curious. I actually think there could be some essence of truth there..Bella does remind me, despite the fact a different species!, of Polly's character..
So I say, one year since you left us..yet it doesn't get easier to carry on as normal without your matriarch of a character ruling the house, bossing all the cats and dogs that youd brought up since young ones around, you were indefinatley and always shall be; The queen of the house. Or more aptly as the brother in law whom you detested and would harass everytime he came through the door, The Queen Of Darkness
But you were
my Queen Of Darkness.
The picture, is what I see as perfection. Very plain and simple, yet reflects the wisdom of years in that old face.
