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Bush to make birds FAT
U.S. PLANS TO MAKE BIRDS OBESE
Would Slow the Spread of Avian Flu, President Asserts
In a press conference at the White House today, President George W. Bush announced an ambitious plan to slow the potential spread of avian flu by making birds obese.
“Birds spread the flu by flying,” the president told reporters. “So it stands to reason that if birds are too fat to fly, they can’t spread the flu.”
The president said that he personally developed the strategy for slowing the spread of the deadly flu after realizing that “obesity is America’s secret weapon in the battle for global health.”
Mr. Bush said that starting next week, government-issued pamphlets would be distributed at such fast-food outlets as McDonald’s, Burger King, and Kentucky Fried Chicken, encouraging customers to buy an additional fat-laden meal and feed it to birds.
If all goes according to plan, the president said, the global population of birds will be so badly out of shape and easily winded, “they will only have enough energy to sit around and watch television.”
But according to Charlotte Harswell, a spokesperson for the Audubon Society, the plan to make birds obese and unable to fly is “misguided and cruel.”
“The president’s plan is essentially tantamount to declaring a global war on birds,” she said.
In response to the Audubon statement, President Bush issued a statement of his own later in the day: “It is time for the health-loving people of the world to ask: are you with us, or are you with the birds?”
Elsewhere, former Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers blasted current Supreme Court nominee Samuel A. Alito today, calling him “too experienced.”
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