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Rules Of Etiquette For The Inexperienced Cat
1. If you have and upset stomach, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Or, shag is okay.
2. Determine quickly which guests hate cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He/she won't dare push you off, and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breathe so much the better.
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit there and stare.
5. For guests who say "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to the stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
6. Do not allow doors closed in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then strike out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls "dropped stitchs". She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being moved for the second time, push anything movable off the table, pens, pencils, stamps...one at a time.
10. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
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