Legendary Comedy

[Elaine]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I
said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a
Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said,
"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two
counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I
said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

Whe-hey!!

[Moli]

Where do you get them Elaine!!

[Mags]

.....you're on a roll again tonight Elaine!

[Jac]

Just what the doctor ordered