i'm a murderer :-(

[Tink]

it was an accident. one of the starling babies is dead. but it's all my fault.
i was doing their feeding before bed and one of them just didn't swallow the last bite of food..i started coaxing it to swallow and it's body went limp..i suddenly realized it was choking to death and frantically tried to clear the airway...nothing i did worked. i was screaming no and sobbing.
i've never killed an animal before. i keep thinking how it was alive sitting on its perch perfectly fine before my hands touched it. i am a horrible brutal killer.
i now doubt any of the good things i have done for animals. maybe i am not good at anything.
that sibling has to sleep alone tonight because of me.
i refuse to feed the other one. i don't want to kill another thing again. i told kevin he has to do it. i don't even want to look at the cage anymore.
i'm consumed with guilt. i am so stupid.

[alexgirl73]

Tink, Tink, Tink!! You are not a murderer. You have done everything in your power to help these little ones, and what happened was just one of those unfortunate things, something that could have happened with mummy feeding them. Please don't beat yourself up about this, and go back to helping the other little one ((hugs))

[Tink]

thank you. upon looking at the body, i noticed there was some kind of deformity in his chest. kevin said maybe he had a parasite or birth defect and it was bound to happen. but he wouldn't have died so quickly if i hadn't have fed him that last bite. they haven't been gaping to eat the last few days and i've been gently force feeding them so they don't starve to death. or so i thought...
i should have done more research. maybe the formula wasn't the right consistency. i keep running in my mind the things i could have done differently.
kevin had to work today overtime and came home after my crying phone call to him at work. he said it's not my fault but it died in my hands. it's body went limp and it's eyes glazed over. i even tried to turn it upside down to dislodge the food. it happened so fast. he died in seconds. i keep thinking how horrible it'd be to choke to death and what he was thinking when he was looking at me while dying.
it's one thing if the animal dies on it's own. but in my hands? after i did something? that's never happened to me before. my biggest fear with the kids is they die over something i did wrong or could have prevented or because a lack of knowledge on my part. it's one thing if an animal gets a disease i can't do anything about. but if i could have been prevented by me is my ultimate fear.
and it happened.
i was even scared to touch the rest of my kids afterwards for fear i would hurt another creature.
kevin told me he works all day and to do it for his brother. try feeding more gently, do what you can. don't ignore it.
i guess i have to but i'm scared to even touch the remaining baby.
another thing i noticed is when i grabbed them from the cage to feed them today they didn't fight or squawk like usual. they just kinda sat there. i thought maybe they were getting tame and used to me. now i wonder if they were sick and the other one is dying or i'm not feeding them enough.
i'm just at a loss and my mind is spinning.
thanx for talking to me.

[angieh]

Dear Tink - you are NOT a murderer! How can you beat yourself up so - it was an accident. Amazing that the little bird lasted as it had - rearing baby birds is hugely difficult. You are really brave to try it.

I wouldn't have the first idea about what to do.

Please don't blame yourself and don't withdraw from your other little creatures - they don't blame you either. (((HUGS)))

[Mags]

Tink, it isn't your fault, it was an accident or there may have been a defect in the little bird......... if you hadn't rescued them neither of them would have lasted this long.

You are doing your utmost with all the creatures you rescue, it would be a miracle if they all survived - these things are bound to happen now and again, you are doing your best for them and nobody could ask more of you.

Continue feeding the other one but be prepared for the worst that could happen...... raising young birds is a difficult task for anyone...... (((hugs))) x

[Hreow]

You gave that baby bird a spell of warmth, food and feeling safe. If you hadn't taken them on, they would all have died cold, hungry and terrified. I know which way I'd prefer to go. You will learn from this and go on to be a better person and and loving bird-mum, so please try to keep those feelings of guilt in proportion. I know it is difficult.
And if you need to shout and cry, we're here. We just won't help you kick yourself for no good reason.

[Tink]

your words are all so very kind *cries*
the sibling passed this morning in his sleep. they are buried together under the cherry tree.

[angieh]

Very sorry Tink - really you did all you could. Their lives really did hang by a thread and at the very least you allowed them peace and to pass away unstressed by what could have happened to them.

As Hreow said above "And if you need to shout and cry, we're here. We just won't help you kick yourself for no good reason." Which says it perfectly, really. (((HUGS)))

[Mags]

Sorry about the other baby starling Tink, but I really do think it was only to be expected, you took on a very difficult task there but you did your very best for them and they passed away with your love and comfort around them.

Look on this as a learning experience and tell yourself that no matter how well you care for a baby or injured bird/animal....... human care is just not enough sometimes, unfortunately. (((hugs)))

[dandysmom]

Please, please stop beating yourself up about this, Tink! It's notoriously difficult to raise baby birds; you did the best you could and it is not your fault that they died!!! The man at Kevin's work was going to kill them: at least they had a few days of food, warmth and care that they would not have had except for you. Please don't let this incident discourage you from exercising your God-given talent for helping animals !!
Please stop crying, blow your nose and go have a good cuddle with Kuan Yin!! (((hugs))).